Men Unmasked: 5 types of male ‘personas’

1.  The “Family Man” – the angel with pictures of his nephew, niece, and friend’s kids filling up his iPhone memory.

Unmasked: If you are not married and you don’t have kids, calling yourself a “family man” just means you’re a mama’s boy and are justifying you staying at your parents house until you were 28. You think we find it cute? No, we don’t. What we do find cute: having no idea that you love to play with your 2 year-old niece and nephew until we see it at Aunt Marie’s passover seder.

2. The “Wine-o”: booze braggadocios who wear their wine, scotch, or mineral water knowledge of their french cuffed sleeves.

Unmasked: Wine-o’s are hell bent on spoiling my delicious dinner with their obnoxious and braggart knowledge on wine. Wine was invented, not as an academic discipline, but to get tipsy! I am not interested about the amazing Bordeaux wine you bought and all the adjectives accompanying. Not to sound crass but what the F does it mean to have an “oakey” wine? Yes, of course, I don’t want my wine to be completely disgusting but I am not buying it in a box.

3. The “Citizen of the World”: the selfless soul who’s saving the world one continent at a time.

Unmasked: Okay, so you learned french in college, dated a german girl, went abroad in Chile, did community service in South Africa and partied in Laos – and now you’re a Citizen of the World?! Come on, guys. What does it even mean to be a CotW? It’s just an attempt to seem cultured but we see right through it. Unless you’re a diplomat, or a polyglot (5+ languages), or for some odd reason have quadruple citizenship, you are not a citizen of the world. So skip the BS and just invite us to Iceland or the Maldives or Mauritius.

4. The “Environmentalist”: the wolf in Al Gore’s clothing.

Unmasked: Sure, I turn my lights off when I leave a room, and try to recycle (but sometimes its so much easier to just throw the can out with the paper!) and hey! I am writing on the web and not a paper magazine! But I am not going to call myself an environmentalist. And unless you pulled a Chris McCandless in “Into the Wild” or a Walt Whitman or you live on a farm and wipe your ass with leaves, you are just like me. You may care about the world. And the Amazon situation does break your heart but when you took the road-trip in 2003 to “feel nature”, you drove an SUV. You get judged for that.

5. The “Political Activist”: can you take the guy who’s still saying “yes we can”?

Unmasked: Just because you voted for Obama, just because you skim the front page of the New York Times and JUST because you have a view on the Israeli-Palestine conflict, does not make you a political activist. Just because you were part of Amnesty International in High School and because you think the Onion and the Huffington Post are the only news-worthy sources and because you want to start a “revolution”, DOES NOT MAKE YOU POLITICALLY ACTIVE! It’s good that you’re knowledgeable and interested in the world’s affairs but don’t think you are better than me, just because I would rather watch Keeping up with the Kardashians than C-SPAN.